Holding on
The paradox of change
I confess. I don’t really like change AND I love it! Yes, I know I’m a walking paradox. Let me explain.
I’ve been an solo/entrepreneur for almost fifteen years. I’ve gone from being a copy writer to include strategy, project management and coaching to my services. I’ve tried starting a family business and almost bought back an existing one. With AI knocking on our door I’m working on pivoting my business model again. So, that’s the part I like.
The part of me that resists change is personal, emotional and sometimes physical. I’m a creature of daily habits and very loyal to the people I love. Although this can be helpful, when it comes to shedding old stuff that doesn’t serve me I get stuck.
I’ve kept people in my life out of loyalty not because they were good friends. I love my tribe so fiercely that moving on is physically painful, even if it’s necessary. I don’t tend to hoard objects so I give away clothes at least twice a year….and I’ve kept birthday cards for many many years!
As within so without. I hold on to weight physically and emotionally. I can appear outgoing, but mostly, I keep things to myself. I pile my negative emotions, ruminate vengeance and have a tendency to accumulate tensions over the years.
I started feeling them when I was doing my first yoga teacher training. The layers of pulling to “keep it together”, the tensions in muscles I didn’t even know existed and the rage, hidden into the depth of my liver! I naively thought that a few years of deep embodiment practice would magically make me a new person …not!
Of course I’ve changed. I was able to let go of some layers of s*it. But the funny thing about doing any kind of conscious work is that there is always another layer. Another layer of surrender, of letting go, of self-love.
It may sound weird but I realized lately that the only way for me to really let go and open myself to change is love. Love for the self-imposed burden, love for the unexpressed emotion, love for the stories that kept me stuck, love for the people who couldn’t meet me where I wanted to go, love for the colleagues I would leave behind, love for the part of me that needed change.
The last one, has been one of the hardest for me. I used to judge myself for wanting more, different, extraordinary. That’s why it got stuck in the body : I was denying part of myself the pleasure of change…out of fear.
Yep. Fear again. The main reason why we resist, hold on, try to keep it together.
As a famous band once sung : “Love is all you need.”
Maybe not all. But if you put some love on the resistance and the fear, change might come more easily.
